About East Asian Food.
1. Koreans can’t make good pho. Chinese can’t make good sushi. Japanese can’t make good kimchi.
2. Tofu is in the eye of the beholder. You use Chinese tofu to make mabo dofu, Korean tofu to make soon dubu, and Japanese tofu to make hiyayakko. Take any rotten form of any soy protein and turn it into an American breakfast.
3. Ditto ramen. Ramyun comes with a beat egg. Ramen comes with a soy-marinated egg. La Mien comes with egg noodles. Americans think people eat ramen because they’re poor and can’t afford eggs. (If poor people still go to college)
4. Kombucha (tm) is not as gross as I thought it would be, but bear in mind, the idea of a cold fruit-infused kombucha to a Japanese person is like a guacamole-flavored iced tea, or, well… putting long sheets of kelp (kombu) into your cranberry juice for anyone else.
5. Asians won’t drink root beer because it tastes like medicine but they’ll drink durian or bitter melon because it tastes like fecal matter. Don’t ask. Just accept.
6. It’s really easy to be vegetarian with Asian cuisine. Just because you’re not able to get trademarked vegetarian food at Panda Express does not prove otherwise.
6a. Still, you should know that saying “no meat” to an Asian server won’t cut it (they’ll still use egg or seafood). You have to say “I’m a pretentious vegetarian asshole, and I demand a heaping pile of mung beans and shiitake mushrooms…am I pronouncing that right?”
7. Our big meals are for New Years and the birthdays of first sons. Accordingly, all our celebration foods look, smell, taste and are sometimes made of dick parts. Don’t ask. Just accept.
