Comedy bits.

-Unlike a lot of my 30-something single friends I don’t mind Mommy Blogs. In fact I love the mommy blogs. I sometimes masturbate to them. Not the moms, mind you. 
Their kids.

-Facebook is so awful. It brings out the worst in people. My boyfriend’s facebook account is the worst. He gets the most ridiculous private messages.

-As a kid, my mom always said if I made funny faces they would become permanent. Do you realize how hard it is to masturbate with a straight face?

[I realize my imaginary stand-up routine is fixated on masturbating, but if you were unemployed, broke and considering a career in standup as a means of income, you’d be thinking a lot about masturbating too.]