What Your Christmas Presents Mean.
1. Motif Sweater
Someone wants to suffocate you, and your mom wants everyone in the world to know exactly who.
2. Socks
It’s time to put away your fucking Tevas, Dad. Seriously it’s disgusting. Your fungal toenails gross everyone out and you have no business walking around like a sherpa in Ada Oklahoma. C’mon.
3. An Entire Outfit
We love you. You are SO adorable and SOOO sweet. I for one would never have experienced authentic Japanese food unless you’d joined our family. God bless you for that. But for the love of everything Italian, if you’re sleeping with my son at least look like you want it.
4. Book: Non-fiction
Look, you’re not getting a goddamned iPod tablet. Stop telling me how amazing the resolution is on your goddamned (air-quote) Huffington paper (end air-quote) like I don’t know what a goddamned blog is. You’re getting a Tom Brokaw history of Rock n’ Roll and you’re going to like it. You’ll even thank me for it one day.
5. Book: Fiction
I find your taste in James Patterson appalling. You know he’s a Republican, right? OK so I don’t know that for a fact but jeez, seriously? I for one went to an independent bookstore and gave a lot of thought into buying you Joe Meno; a lot of unconscious thought amounting to making you feel irrelevant and outdated. Don’t take my word for it, he’s been reviewed by The Believer AND Pitchfork!!
6. Toys
This is so none of your friends find out how gay I am. No one sees a child playing with Lincoln Logs and questions whether her Uncle mightn’t be a Power Bottom With a Kaiser Uniform Fetish. Hipster, maybe, but not Power Bottom With a Kaiser Uniform Fetish. Just, not, that…
7. Tech Gadget
This is so none of our friends find out how gay you are. We know you’re gay but we’re not ready to talk about it. We have no idea you’re looking up men in the neighborhood that look vaguely like your grandfather.
8. Gift Certificate Cards
Gentiles don’t believe in gift cards, just credit cards with 29% APR. This must be a Hanukah (sic) thing.
